Doves
by Wolf of Summer
Summary: As Zero Requiem draws closer, Lelouch begins to hallucinate small daily occurrences that brighten his day just a bit. Suzaku can't bring himself to correct his king, but finds that in the long run it wasn't worth it.


**I seem to have a penchant for writing depressing things. Well, enjoy!**

oOo

The first time it happens, Suzaku is escorting Lelouch on a short walk through the gardens. It isn't a choice by Lelouch so much as it is an attempt by Suzaku to keep Lelouch from killing himself from overwork. _"Before it's time, anyway_,_" _a vile part of his mind whispers, but Suzaku violently squashes that thought before it can grow.

He turns as Lelouch speaks. "Suzaku, look at all of the doves in the sky!" His hands are up, and his lips are just barely upturned for the first time in weeks.

Confusedly, he looks up into an empty clear blue sky. "There aren't any, Lelouch."

He watches out of the corner of his eye as Lelouch's face falls, and regrets…well, he isn't quite sure he's supposed to regret, but he feels bad anyhow.

oOo

The next time it happens, they're sitting down to a meal at the window in Lelouch's room. Well, Suzaku's eating. He's trying to get Lelouch to eat, but that happens less these days.

Just as Suzaku's about to open his mouth about Lelouch's nearly untouched plate, something catches the emperor's eye outside the window.

"I didn't know there were roses in this garden, Suzaku, do you think the gardener decided that they looked nice?"

Suzaku glances where Lelouch is staring. He's disappointed to only see a tree that had probably blossomed during spring and a handful of other generic plants. No roses, no beautiful anything, to be honest. The gardener, like a lot of other people serving Lelouch, probably stays as far away as possible and only comes close to the study when he really needs to.

Shaking his head, Suzaku points his fork at Lelouch's plate. "Eat, Lelouch, we've got a lot to plan for tomorrow."

oOo

Small occurrences like this keep happening, and most of the time Suzaku can't bring himself to correct Lelouch from these visions. C.C. does, and she is brutal, but anyone else that hears him just plays along, afraid of incurring the emperor's wrath.

He is no less brilliant, for all of the signs that point to a weakening mind. Plans still go off without a hitch, and when it comes time for Suzaku's 'death,' he reluctantly realizes that he can no longer be by Lelouch's side in public to help direct his attention elsewhere.

Lelouch's hallucinations get more intense.

oOo

One night, screaming wakes Suzaku up. He can tell it's one of the maids that is forced to serve him, and is sworn to secrecy, because she is one of the few people that he can talk to. Lelouch geassed her specifically to keep her mouth shut about him.

In the hallway just around the corner, Lelouch sits child-like on the ground, surrounded by plates and what Suzaku recognizes as the remains of the dinner that he left by the door to be picked up when the girl came by. He's staring fixedly at the blood running down one arm, the skin pricked with a few pieces of glass. When Suzaku approaches, he looks up.

"Ow. Suzaku, this hurts."

Suzaku glances questioningly at the maid, and she hurriedly explains. "I was returning with the leftover food, Sir, and his Majesty was sitting in the middle of the hall. I was startled, and I dropped what I was holding. I will receive whatever punishment you see fit." She bows her head, awaiting Suzaku's judgment.

"Just clean up what you've dropped. I'll take care of his Majesty." The girl nods quickly, immediately getting to work as Suzaku takes Lelouch by the hand that doesn't have glass in it and leads him back to his own room.

He leads Lelouch to the bathroom, and gets him to sit on the counter next to the sink while he hunts through the cabinet for a pair of tweezers and some gauze. When he turns back to Lelouch, he's staring fixedly at the glass, looking a bit confused.

"Suzaku, do you know how this happened?" He asks, and Suzaku suddenly realizes what's wrong. He's having another hallucination, but this one seems to be a bit different. He grips Lelouch's hand carefully and goes to pull a sliver out from his thumb.

"I'm not sure…I found you with glass in your hand and I'm not sure how."

Lelouch shrugs. "I remember walking along looking at the new paintings on the walls, then I think I scared the maid when she turned the corner by being right there, and she dropped the tray."

There hadn't been anything new in the halls since all of the famous court artists became terrified of the Demon Emperor.

"What was on the tray, Lelouch?"

Lelouch looks at him oddly. "Didn't you see it?"

Suzaku doesn't look up. He knows it's bad to continue to encourage Lelouch's hallucinations, but it helps sometimes to bring him back to himself. "No, I was too busy worrying about you."

"Ah. Well, it was mostly fruits sweets, but I saw a necklace that I thought C.C. might like, so I tried to pick it up."

"What were you doing before that?"

Lelouch huffs, tipping his head back. "You know, I'm not entirely sure. Paperwork, I think."

Later, Suzaku finds a list of executions on Lelouch's desk.

oOo

Eventually C.C. informs him that the hallucinations are likely a coping mechanism for Lelouch, when the world simply becomes too large of a weight for his shoulders.

"It's triggered by stress, mainly, but I think the type of work is really what starts it. He always gets like that when he has to plan executions and assassinations. It doesn't help that he doesn't really eat much these days anyway."

She flicks her hair over a shoulder, and rolls on the bed, still staring at Suzaku, who is seated across the room at Lelouch's desk, doing his best to finish a particularly gruesome write-up job that the emperor had left unfinished in his last episode.

"Funny, isn't it? That he gets to run away, but you're still here to deal with everything? Even though you're going to be the one to deal with the fallout, and _live on_, right?"

Suzaku stiffens, pausing in writing to a particular hand for hire to poison the young ruler of a small resisting nation. "There's nothing funny about it."

C.C. sighs, hugging Cheese-kun. "Spoilsport."

oOo

The hallucinations never get in the way of Lelouch's public persona, and Suzaku knows that he will be completely himself for the entirety of the Zero Requiem. Which is in two days, and Lelouch has been in his own little world for the last twelve hours. And Suzaku simply doesn't have the heart to bring him back to reality.

So he spends the final days with his friend playing pretend, going back to when things were good for them and sunflower fields were for playing and getting stuck in the rain and just generally enjoying the beautiful things in life. In a way, it's therapeutic for Suzaku, who hates himself and can't bring himself to find any beauty in whatever he touches. With Lelouch around, at least he finds a sort of secondhand peace.

But that'll change soon, and Suzaku simply doesn't know how he'll go on. He realizes he should have stopped Lelouch's nonsense, or tried to fix it, because now he'll not only be killing his friend, but also his only source of light.

oOo

C.C. finds him when it is all done. She sounds unusually caring when she asks "How are you?"

She'll be the only one from now until the end of his life to see him without a mask on. Still, Suzaku can't muster up the energy to show a kind face. The edges of his lips flicker slightly up, and he stares fixedly an inch above C.C.'s head. "Empty. I feel…dead."

He simply can't think of any other way to describe the shade that covers his vision.

He thinks it makes sense, considering his last light source is gone.


End file.
